Birthday Letter

                    

Life Sentence...

So, here I am working on my day to day routine for some purpose.

It has everything to do with my future. For a better, happier and exciting journey of life. Taking notes from the successful people and punishing myself to become like them. All of the day goes this way.

Well now, I dream of nothing, really nothing. I just don't have the confidence to even dream big. There is a huge gap between me and that imaginary me which I wanted to become.

A great man said that progress is impossible without change. The "change" which can evoke the feelings of courage, discipline, hard work and achieving my goals. I had a goal of becoming a game developer, but I often let myself down by my ridiculous habits. Dreams and goals are very different words; I am exceptionally late to understand this concept. This inertia which is letting me down regularly has a reason for me functioning in such a way. My dreams never really became my goals. It were just for presenting to others. My wishes never converted to will. I feel like I never lived a true story. 

Tough situations are waiting for me. I lied to my younger self, and every lie incurs a debt to the truth, sooner or later, that debt has to be paid. This existence is a very big thing, yet for some reason it never looked this way. I feel like being stuck in my own labyrinth, trying to escape desperately; using the future to escape the present. My heart isn't hopeless, it is extremely disappointed. This night of discouragement is lengthening. 

According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, you are actually a few million years late. Those stars are dead, just like your dreams. That's why dreams should be kept secret; passing its way to a goal is better. Despair will always find its way towards me. So its better to dwell upon this cruel life. 

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple. If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world. Elon Musk, like all of us, was very afraid of the dark when he was a little kid. Later he found out that dark just means the absence of photons in the visible light and his fear went away. This fear is similar to mine, not in a materialistic way, but in a holistic way. My focus goes away and the fear creeps in. 

Those "hopes" require solitude. The solitude is like a home for me, even in the midst of very unfamiliar circumstances, I find all my paths. We're born alone, we die alone, between this journey we create the illusion for a moment that we're are not alone. In solitude I read books. Sometimes, I read a book, it fills in me this weird evangelical zeal that I become convinced that the shattered world will never be put back together unless all living humans read and understand that book. This point of view creates various anatomies of life inside me.

I began writing and eventually it were out of context. This normal write-up is zilch, but just a collection of perspectives I had over the years. I hope it treated you with comfort.

  

Its 2 am and I still miss her....

It's 2am, 

And Yet once again,I'm deep under The Ocean

The ocean of memories, 

Weighing me down, 

As the mind recollects 

The time when we walked together, 

The time when we held hands for the first time,

The time when I weeped and laughed in your arms;

So full of love, that i found home, within your happiness,

but now; it's 

Just enough to break the tear drops out of lacrimals,

As i hold the cup of Delhi chai,

Drowned deep inside the ocean, 

I wait for you, hoping that you will take me out,

And saying to me that it was all a bad dream, 

'hush now sleep'. 

But, the reality slaps me,

And now It's a another day, 

As the clock ticks at 2am,

With another cup of Sweet memories,

Yet once again, I'm deep under the Ocean.

Someone waited too long...

Maybe their is another way,

of how we lived altogether;

Sometimes too happy,and somewhere so dejected

like those roses that never bothered to bloom

when they should have bloomed,

And now the sun is tired.

The sun who waited

goes gloomy for long-

Then the time comes 

when everything goes dark.

Good weather and Good women-

it doesn't always happen,

and when it does-

It doesn't always last.

A fragile heart fears it 

and he wasn't the strong who one appreciates.

Someone desires to be a butterfly,

which lived with much delight

but for three summer days,

because these years were too long to wait for such dispirited soul.

He asked for the secret of life

Cause he didn't get it-

It felt like a race where he is always running but never wining,

running into the devil but still grinning.

That mind kept day-dreaming 

followed the patient path,

loved the grass and saw the shadow much long.

The Clouds were keen followers

and still to this day prevent him

to watch the beautiful sky...

A Life Without her.

A small write up..and its complete fiction too..

Aren't you going to be my realistic companion? She questioned. Her facial expression demanded a quick answer. Even before I could answer, she again repeated the question. I was dumbstruck at her caliber of voice. I was continuously telling myself that I can't lose words now; they were there in my mind. It took me a reckless night to frame all that I was to confine. I had the feeling that her curiosity won't suffice unless and until she has her answer. All I could utter was," No". This was the moment I never wished to go through. It felt as if fighting a lion or jumping from a building would have been much easier. I wanted to explain to her why being a realistic companion was not a possible promise for me. That dumbo always had the best part of her care for me, yet I was the reason behind those rolling tears, down her glittering face. Only I knew how heavy my heart became with the guilt of those tiny droplets. I spent the best of my words to describe her beauty while her smile always reminded me that I had a reason to re-establish myself. Gathering the last bit of courage I tightly hugged her. The warmth in there was the touch of heaven. I wanted to tell her that if love could exist in materialistic form, it would be her. The crescent moon had no light for the eclipsed darkness of fear. I would choose a life to lose but not her.

Her sobbing felt as if a dagger is being repeatedly stabbed at my heart. I brought my face towards her and told her how strong she is. The impact of my answer was beyond the healing abilities of any condolences.


Why don't you understand my helplessness? I said.  Having you in life was beyond the lines of fate. I don't think or imagine a life without you. Yet these circumstances, these are the major cause of such a parting way of our life. I have lost every single being I held close to my heart. They moved on and I got stuck here with a box full of memories. It's really hard to live in shattered memories of the loved ones. I can't risk losing you at the cost of my destiny. If the virtual world has enough to provide me with your love and care, better I choose to be there. Often heard of the saying, "It's better to have something than to have nothing ". Dear love, our story has this very conclusion. The pain of bringing a stranger to life with hopes and promises and then losing them is beyond my limits of suffering. Boys do cry and I am the living example of it. I have cried when your fever ceased your body, I have cried when you were hospitalized, I have cried for not being there by your side at times of your need and now again I don't want to cry over leaving you at the horizon. Let eternity be our only palace of dreams where we could find time in each other’s arm. With my finals words, I wiped off her rolling tears and kissed her forehead. I decided to walk back or else I won't be able to return back ever. I handed her a letter and told her. All this is my answer to all your questions hope you will understand it. I signaled for a taxi and waves off. The city through the taxi window seemed so live. I felt jealous of everything I could see as they had my precious strangers as a citizen. Days passed by along with weeks and I never left a single instant to remember her. Her absence had brought me to a world of complete solitude. All this while I always wondered how she felt about the justification in my letter.

Electrify my Life....

Let me get freedom,this world has sought of liberty every time.I dont wanna know the responsibilities,its weird but its true. Ohh GOD!! Electrify my heart,my golden tooth,my mind,without sparking the inner me.There hasn't been a day I have been convinced.

Destroyed by words,by actions,by others feelings.HAHA!! Good attempt to distress me,though it doesn't require a heavy heart,I am used to it.My life is so much relatable to the soap that slips out of my hand while bathing. My good and simple past is surprised at my present,maybe it is hurt by my actions,my future will be frightened too.People have conscious mind,sub-conscious mind and an unconscious mind ,and then there is mine ; a mind in an unexplainable state,still finding something that had never existed : true love could be...something is fuking it all up and making it heavier than before.

Again It has surprised me; I am in the same time,in the same situation..Fine I cant look at those eyes of mine without a spark of fear.A devious threat?????.... GODAMMN..a normal person(unlike me) will get severely confused,some sort of phobia of reading.Trying to be those rare,paradox,generation indemnifying writers.no!!!...Forget it,I will do it some other time.Meanwhile Going for a bar to electrify my mind,my golden tooth,my eye,my mind and my heart.....
Conclusion----- cut me into some size;I am still here beneath the same sun....but only one problem I just cant look into those eyes without my heart being electrified.